freeing myself meant hurting back, and i hate to make hurt more than anything else. i have never been able to equate my pain with anyone else’s until my problems demand attention, and it’s a painful lesson to learn more than once.
so i’ve been trying to find a little more of myself. a few more of the things that make me better for the sake of being better, even if they’re small*.
they aren’t much but they make me feel human. i started making things again for the first time in years. nothing big or even good, just reminders that i’m lucky enough to have a mind and body capable of expressing themselves**. and given the occasion i felt like it was time to share something i found.
i think a lot about my mom and what she’d say if she could see me now. i’m lucky to know that she was proud of me even before i did things i’m proud of. she didn’t have to be that way. sometimes i find disappointment by having to relearn lessons she already gave me. but i’m blessed for having gotten them in the first place and remembering that they happened.
when i listen inward i can still hear the noises of our home together, and how hard earned it all was for her. a home i haven’t seen in years comes alive with all my senses and all my gratitude for having lived it at all. i’m back at my desk listening to my dog snore, mom noodling on the piano, and my brother shuffle cards. my desk is laden with projects i’ll never finish, but i don’t know that yet. i can visit myself anytime i want, all i have to do is go.
eventually, a moment later, i have to leave. my home collapses and i’m no longer at my desk near the attic stairs. instead i am here, standing on this little bit of dirt. my feet are killing me but the dirt feels incredible because it’s happening now. i’m not visiting anyone, i am standing on this dirt amazed that i’m still here to stand on it.
i take a picture because wow! would you look at this dirt!? who likes a picture of dirt!?
* you ever make bolognese? like a solid bolognese? do it, you will not disappoint yourself. it is like having more power than god
** bro what happened to gundam kits? i ordered a few because it has been too long, who is watching gundam wing with me? get hulu
*** just saying that if god did make a solid bolg (™️), there wouldn’t have been any need for a New Testament, all that shit would’ve been wrapped up ages ago. some people need their kids to solve everything
© Chris Bojemski 2021